Heyo all.
It's been a bit of a hot minute, but I want to say it's been no secret that I haven't felt too hot recently, both in online and IRL affairs. I don't usually talk about my IRL stuff too much because I take Internet safety to the paranoia-ith degree, but what I will say in that regard is that I basically encountered my own personal hell within the past six months on the IRL end. Things have recently been better IRL - not where I want them to be, but better than they were.
As for the online stuff, I mentioned previously that I've been burning bridges with some people before I left, and it hurt because I honestly don't want to burn any bridges if I can help it. I've regretted and lost sleep over burning all of those bridges, and I recognize now that I most likely can't rebuild them, even though in all honesty a part of me wants to rebuild all but two of those bridges.
But I can't control others and what they want and what they do. I can only control me, and the past month and a half had that focus in mind: controlling me, making sure I don't slip into the trap of hurting people. I've kept some contact with others over my hiatus, mainly through phone numbers and an occasional peep into socials, and I've been working on a couple of projects that were urgent and couldn't wait for me to return, but the whole focus has just been on making sure I'm okay. And honestly, it's kinda working.
I miss you guys, but I think I'm ready to slightly come back. What I mean is that I'm going to return back, but nowhere near close to "frequent" - maybe once a day on socials, if that. It's for a couple of main reasons:
- I anticipate being busy soon. Real life has been picking up steam and will continue to do so, and that's where my focus is because that's where I'm primarily making my living. I've mentioned before that I see SplatterDash and the music coming out of that name as more of a hobby than a means of primary income - and even if I choose to indulge in ways to make my music a source of passive income (something I have no current plans of doing), it will never be the main show or main breadwinner. There's many reasons why that is - keeps my integrity in check, keeps me going outside, yadda yadda - but simply put, when real life comes calling, that's where my main answer goes to.
- I don't fully trust myself yet. I have more confidence in myself than before, and I do trust myself in some capacity, but I don't want to pretend like I will never do something to hurt someone, intentionally or not, if I return full force right now. I recognize I have blind spots, and as much as it may very well be overly paranoia I don't like or want to hurt others, never have. It's a smaller reason compared to 1, but I still want to practice caution with myself.
As I slightly return, there's one thing I want to be honest about, if I haven't been honest about it already.
I openly refuse to believe I'm perfect, and I fully acknowledge that I will make mistakes. I fully acknowledge that there's mistakes I've made blindly, and to those I offer sincere apologies. But I want to promise two things: one, I will always place a value of respect on all that I do, if for no other reason than to be deserving of that same respect back in all of my transactions with others; two, I will always choose to learn.
In the acknowledgement of myself not being perfect, and in the acknowledgement that I don't know everything about everything, I want to be open to learn about myself, others, and my environments. That's why I listen and even equate my own self value to the value that the general public puts on me - as much as I recognize there are people that want to put me down for their own self-gain or to have power over me, there are things that I don't think about from other perspectives, perspectives that can help me and in turn help others. I will never be perfect, but I can learn and try so that I achieve what I wholeheartedly want at the end of the day - to help others and to make people smile.
So learn I shall.
In the spirit of helping others, I want to also remind people to go help out @BrandyBuizel , @ADR3-N , @marbardan82 and @BellvonArtsy , who are all in struggles of their own accords. I know all of them to varying degrees, and all of them are incredible people who deserve some love and help. Even if you can't financially help (a situation I know I'm in), spreading the word can still help them out.
Brandy: https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-brandybuizel-overcoming-ocd-and-job-loss
ADR3-N: https://adr3-n.newgrounds.com/news/post/1519544
Marbardan: https://marbardan82.newgrounds.com/news/post/1519766
Bellvon: https://bellvonartsy.newgrounds.com/news/post/1519241
I'll leave this post by saying: don't be afraid to reach out to someone and tell them how much you mean to them, even if it's just a friend or someone you barely know. It's no secret that it's hard times in general right now, and the world can use a little good in it. I want to focus on myself so that I can give some good to others again, but remember that you also have the power to do a little good every day, even if it's the smallest amount.
Stay safe everyone 💙
ADR3-N
Burnt bridges suck. I've had several of my own in the past few months. Whatever happened, I'm sure it will be for the best. Sometimes people just aren't compatible, whether that's friends, relationships, and even family! That's okay. It's a big enough planet for us all to coexist -- love each other from a distance. As you get older that sort of thing just becomes painfully clear.
Anyway, thanks for sharing. I'm doing... okay now? Well, still struggling but a lot better than I was. I can at least check in now and then, even if I don't have time to work on music. Still working to pay off the rest of the debt and my other bills.
When I get back, I have a music production book I'm working on and a few tracks to get to. Maybe some samples. I think before it's over I'll end up in your boat, where all that stuff is not totally abandoned, but back to being more of a hobby for financial reasons. Making music just is not that profitable unless you have the drive to turn it into viral content. Video content. I'm waaaaay too ADHD addled to manage that myself.
My free music production magazine will probably have to be every few months, as opposed to every single month. Or maybe I'll just make it short and keep it to like 5 things and some tips. I dunno. Decisions.
But I'm rambling. Basically, I'm saying I don't know exactly what's going on, but I totally get it. Managing content creation can be a full time job, and sometimes you have to pull back, because real life won't give you a break!