I don't think I need to go in depth with what happened three months ago - I already said my part. But, as I predicted, I've been finding it extremely hard to fully let go of what happened. And it's not because of the community I'm surrounded by in FNF.
What happened back then has been rippling in every group he had a hand in.
Since then, I've been hearing more and more about what's been happening under the dirt. I don't intend on starting fires from ashes; instead, I want to simply speak my mind. This is, after all, the only place I feel safe to do so. Even though I make lots of documents on Twitter about friends or see things that happen on Twitter, I really have been neglecting this place which started everything. Now, I intend to use it again. This isn't going to be spread around or advertised - this is something I wish to throw to the wind and anyone who can catch it.
What happened is more than the winners have written in the books.
There were two things I was taught about the situation.
One was how to lead a team. Yes, I had experience with this before the team was assembled, but this was the time where I saw how detrimental leadership is. I tended to take an opposite approach with my leadership, and still do. That approach is simple: ask people about their thoughts on x, y, z. When I led this past ADM, I took that method; when I led this past Tankmas, I used that strategy - neither of them turned into great successes, but they managed with very little conflict. His method was that his word was final and could only be added to, not removed. I hated this - and still do - because I feel it's very similar to becoming a mini-dictator. I don't want to spread my power or grow an ego to flex, I want to make people happy and give everyone who works on my projects the respect, love, and potentially money they deserve. My goal is to make my people feel wanted and happy; the money and fame is a byproduct to me.
This was the point where I should have seen what it was like to treat people like people and not like workers, especially when only one person was getting paid outside of the main leader. This was the place where I should have seen what power can do to someone.
I should have seen that.
But that's where I learned the other thing - I was blind in that entire situation. It's true that I didn't know about what was going on and probably couldn't have known otherwise, but there were signs that I should have taken into consideration. I was, after all, in a really bad mental state because of everything that was happening. Maybe that's why I was so blind to everything going on in that development server, all of the pushes and screaming and whatnot.
One thing that I don't believe was mentioned - when the final update was delayed from its original December 4-5 release, there was a ping sent in the announcement channel. It simply read "thanks guys." and included the link to the delay announcement tweet. I questioned him on it and he said something along the lines of "it wasn't against you" - I still have all of the messages he sent to me but I don't want to check anymore.
The only reason I've kept him unblocked after all this time is if I have to tell him to screw off. There can be a chance he revives this whole thing despite everyone and their mother saying that things should die, and if he uses my music again then you can bet money I will message him telling him to remove them all before I send DMCA claims up his behind. I'm not made of stone and am not gonna immediately hit him, especially seeing that I originally gave him permission back in June and haven't written my lack of current consent at all since then, but I'm not going to forgive him either. I wrote on a Twitter post that I wouldn't be ready or willing to forgive him unless he shows change - and with the problems he has, it should take at least a year or few to show any progress or a hint of change. And yes, I do mean show change.
I'm not gonna take his word anymore.
There's a friend that I have that knows me both online and in real life. We used to be just a few minutes' walk from each other before they moved during the holidays. We still are really good friends to this day, and we still even meet each other from time to time in real life.
When they was here back in October, we had met one night for dinner. It was there that they told me about something interesting with him, and that was with his behavior in calls.
Now, when the mod got popular he spent most of his time that I could see in a VC in the development server, only doing work half the time. But he had other friend groups outside of the server that he would drop by in, including one that both me and my friend were in alongside a lot of other people. In that specific place, he told me that his behavior often was, in my opinion, a classic manipulative behavior - when someone like my friend would say something or give an idea, he treats it as "meh, okay"; when one of his closest friends says that same thing, it's suddenly amazing to him.
Back then I paid it no mind but had made a mental note. I think I remember saying then that it was common because of how close he was to that specific friend, but I also realize now that it should have been a red flag to me. Again, I realized in the aftermath that I was much blinder than I should have been.
What's more, and they told me of this more recently, was that they was approached to work on the graphic design for the mod. He came to them and asked for examples of their work, which they provided. After that, he then proceeded to ghost them and picked his closest graphic design friend over them.
Some of the things he did were things that I wouldn't want to do to people, especially since I want to respect others in the same way I want to be respected. But yet... I still believe he did all of that.
And the more I think on it, the more I realize: he wasn't just cancelled for being a sexual predator, although that was his nail in the coffin; he was cancelled for being a horrible person to others and treating them like mud or machines.
And now I'm paranoid to become like him.
I've mentioned this to a few friends already, but have never said this publicly.
I have a very strong feeling that around half of the people on the team at its peak are jerks, sexually provocative, or somewhere in between. I say "at its peak" because a lot of the people that have been called out were brought on after the original mod was uploaded. Back then, the only people on the team were those who worked with TheMaskedChris on Starlight Mayhem and musicians that he had contact with, since none of the musicians from Starlight carried over to this mod. When it got big however, most if not all of the people brought on were from him. This is where the problematic people came in.
I'm probably missing a few people, but here's who I know got called out that was on the mod team:
- Before everything went down, there was someone who got called out and cancelled back in July for being an extreme groomer. I'd argue this was the first person in the community that got called out for behaviors like this.
- One of the planned musicians got called out and cancelled for being an extreme manipulator and a groomer.
- One of the planned writers for a Week 2 update got called out twice for things they did, and there's some things they have yet to be called for (which I won't do the first honors on because I'm not that kind of guy). I'm honestly surprised they still are on a platform in the community, but that's not my place to start raising my pitchfork.
- One of the artists, the graphic designer and the person that was the close friend to him, got called out and cancelled for being sexually provocative and being an extreme manipulator.
- There's two person who I have a feeling will get called out, one of which is the only person out of the group that was actually on the original team - not gonna say who they are or what they did, but I wouldn't be surprised if they get called for stuff. The other, I expect them because they were another close friend of his and their behavior towards the matter personally puts me a bit on edge.
- And of course, you have him.
Do you see why I've become uncomfortable with the team and the mod now?
There's really only a few people from that original team that I can trust, and they're people that I still talk and work with often. But... I really am worried about becoming those people that are part of that group because I was brought on by him. I just hope I don't become that way, and am so paranoid about it that I'm willing to ask people to tell me if they notice a change I don't see. Because even though I might have a goal to be cautious of myself, I still realize that I'm in a precarious position.
I still realize I'm blind.
I feel like I can't escape this issue because it's seeped almost everything I knew to its very core.
Not everything is affected by what happened three months ago, but what is is noticeable and distracting from the very things I used to enjoy without shame. I won't go into too much detail, but there's quite a few things I notice.
- Before everything happened, there was only one person called out in the FNF community, and that happened back in July as was aforementioned. After what happened with him though, suddenly everything started ramping up to the degree that it has been. It feels like someone new is being called out and cancelled every single week - and sometimes, these people are trying to force a "boy who cried wolf" situation, which I absolutely hate beyond compare. Kids feel like they can do anything for a quick fame grab, but when you have something as serious as sexual abuse or grooming, things like that aren't jokes or cash grabs. People at least know how to shun them, but that doesn't stop the issue at hand.
- When everything happened, things started getting bad in one of my friend groups - the one I mentioned earlier. I'm not going to mention what happened or who's involved or any details since a) it's not my place to and b) I'm not wanting to mix any pots; however, things feel extremely tense there and almost all of my old friends are getting involved in some way or another. It just hurts.
It feels like I can't stop thinking about it because I'm constantly surrounded by it and all of its effects, no matter how much I wanna shake it or get it off of me. It hasn't changed my opinion too much on people, but it just doesn't feel right to me right now. I want a natural state to return to again, where I could go into rooms without fear or worry of someone being sexually provocative or secretly a manipulator. I guess the issue is that times changed since then, and either I have to take this new knowledge or leave everything behind.
What about the music?
I talked with a Newgrounds friend of mine who went through a similar event, and they advised me to not upload anything from the mod's final update. They had solid reasons, and I agree with them, so nothing from that update will be published. A reminder, however, that this does not give anyone permission to release them on other platforms - just because I don't push them doesn't mean they're no longer my works.
As for the rest of the songs from the previous updates... I don't know. I might take them down depending on if someone gets called or not, or I might just take em down for the heck of it. I have plenty of other songs to put up anyways from other mods - one of which I actually should put up here. I need time to just think about stuff, but at the very least the images in each song is going because of obvious reasons.
I've been putting my focus into two mods right now, both of which are almost complete in their soundtracks (or at least, my contribution to them). I think I'm more proud of these than I was with the others, but I'm not sure yet. I still got work to do.
But thanks for the nearly 500 of you that are sticking around. I know times are hard right now, but the spring is coming very soon - stay warm until then. <3
